i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize