I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
