I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
