The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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