I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
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Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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