god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
