Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
