So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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