wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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