you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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