I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Randomize
