the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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