Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
