dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
