Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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