Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
