I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
