did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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