gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
