i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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