I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
They took my balls.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
