i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
