Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
