mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
