for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
