I wish I could teleport
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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