is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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