she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
