I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
