Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
