Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
