Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
