Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
