That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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