Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
