Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
