My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
