What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
