I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
