you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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