I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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