its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
