Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
