It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
