Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drake has all the answers
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
