Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
