I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
