So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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