Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
