If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
