Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize