i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
