Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
